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Study: Capitalism is Hazardous to Your Health

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MUDCAT FALLS — A new scientific study has found empirical evidence that capitalism is hazardous to your health.

Brevet Professor Gunther Uberflassen of the Centers for Social and Economic Justice at Mudcat Falls Community College has completed an exhaustive study of traffic accidents and moving violations that statistically demonstrates that capitalists are thirty-seven percent more likely to be injured or killed in a car crash than socialists or Marxists.

The only group at higher risk of death are anarchists.

“We correlated the occupations and political affiliations of drivers with the severity of infractions and injuries, and what we found MF140818 - Capitalist Car Crashwas quite startling,” said Uberflassen. “In general, the highway life expectancies of Democrats and union members are far greater than those of Republicans and white collar workers.”

Uberflassen explained that capitalistic greed and the unbridled drive for the accumulation of personal wealth overwhelm the normal “law and order” tendencies of conservatives, leading them to take greater risks such as speeding and running red lights.

“In general, workers who are ‘on the clock’ — like union members and civil servants — tend to get fewer tickets and become involved in fewer accidents,” said Uberflassen. “Unlike salesmen chasing commissions and business owners seeking obscene profits, who view their time as too valuable to spend sitting in traffic.”

Predictably, the landmark study has drawn the ire of radical right wing talk radio hosts across the dial, who claim that the study, which was funded by the Obama Department of Transportation, is tainted.

“This is just ridiculous,” panted Sean Hannity, syndicated radio personality and Fox News mouthpiece. “Without Henry Ford and good old American capitalism there would be no automobile, so I suppose you could say that every highway death is the direct result of the free enterprise system.”

Senator John D. Rockefeller (D-WV), Chairman of the Committee on Commerce, Science and Transportation, has invited Uberflassen to present his findings at an upcoming hearing.

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