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Send Them Packing

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DENVER — This year’s annual Columbus Day protests were marred by an announcement by the Citizens to Let ’em All re-Patriate.org that the group had raised an unprecedented $623 million dollars in its first year of existence.

The arch-conservative group has been labelled racist, fascist, misogynist, misopedonist, homophobic and “just not nice” for its stated mission of freely funding the return of any person discontented with the so-called “American way of life” to the country of their ancestral origins or any other country of their choosing, regardless of race, creed, religion, gender bias or political persuasion.

“There is no place in a free society for such a hateful group to spew such vile thoughts and opinions,” said Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren, who is one thirty-second Cherokee Indian, “and we in the Congress have a duty to investigate them and stop them.”

The CLAP news conference was disrupted by Native American protestors who carried signs and recited chants calling Europeans the “original illegal aliens.”

“Typical liberal hypocrisy, but we believe what’s good for the goose is good for the gander — what works for Native Americans, works for us white guys, too,” said CLAP Chairman Newt Blanchmilk, after the protestors were forcibly removed. “Hey, if Indian tribes, like the Sioux and Cheyenne, were free to nomadically roam the face of the earth, then so were European tribes, like the English and Spanish. We’ve just always had better technology — like ships and celestial navigation — and that’s what we are celebrating today.”

Although the group has raised an astounding amount of money, records show that not one person has applied for funds to leave the United States.

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