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PETA Protest “Crackers”?

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PISTOL CREEK — Flush with victory over Feld Entertainment, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals picketed the Pistol Creek Walmart Store to protest the sale of animal crackers.

In March, after 145 years of featuring elephants in its circus acts, Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey announced that it will retire its elephant herd by 2018. A PETA press release claimed credit for overturning nearly two centuries of big top tradition.

“We have cut the head off the snake,” declared Hillary Hickums, President of the Mudcat Falls Chapter of the animal rights activist group, “and now we must reverse over a hundred years of corporate brainwashing of our children.”

Animal biscuit crackers have been made and distributed under the National Biscuit Company banner since the late 1800s. In 1902, animal crackers officially became known as “Barnum’s Animals” and evoked the familiar circus theme of the Barnum and Bailey Circus.

Hickums explained that “dangerous and destructive attitudes of human superiority” which are planted in young, impressionable minds lead to animal abuse in society and antithetical feelings towards vegans in general.

Olivia Munn FurThe cookie aisle in Walmart was ringed with counter protesters from a group identified as Cracker Lovers Against PETA.

“For crying out loud, who are these people who have nothing better to do than spoil everyone else’s fun?” asked an angry white woman, who identified herself as the leader of CLAP. “My kids love them and nobody’s going to mess with this momma bear’s cubs.”

Although largely peaceful, the demonstration was briefly interrupted when paramedics were called to treat a protester who fainted at the sight of a Walmart customer exiting the store eating a Slim Jim.

PETA is known for its “I’d rather go naked than wear fur” ad campaign.

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