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ObamaPoints: Universal Rewards Program

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WASHINGTON DC — Much needed shopper relief is the aim of new legislation introduced by Senator Fritz “Kingfish” Tweed and endorsed by the Obama Administration.

The Consumer Loyalty Award Promotion Program Equality and Relief Act of 2014 aims to reduce the number of plastic cards carried by shoppers as they seek access to an ever-growing and confusing array of retailer discount and reward marketing programs.

“The burden of carrying so many separate reward cards is not only inconvenient, it annually wastes literally millions of man ObamaPoints - Cardshours of time in check out lines while shoppers try to find the correct card on their key ring or in their purse,” said Tweed during a press conference to announce the initiative, flanked by fellow Democrats Harry Reid and Chuck Schumer. “It is good for the poor, good for women, good for children, good for the economy and even good for the environment. It’s a WIN-WIN-WIN-WIN-WIN.”

Since the 1950s, one billion tons of plastic have been discarded and some of that material might persist for centuries or much longer. Serious environmental threats from plastic have been suggested in the light of the increasing presence of microplastics in the marine food chain along with many highly toxic chemical pollutants that accumulate in plastics.

The CLAPPER Act would establish a centralized government database which would assign and track a unique national loyalty identification number, which citizens would be able to use at any retailer to accumulate points and access discounts. Registered users would be able to log on to LoyaltyRewards.gov to create an account, review their purchases, check their balance and redeem points for government surplus cheese, office equipment and military hardware.

ObamaPoints - TatooPredictably, Republicans scoffed at the much-needed initiative, reflexively dubbing it ObamaPoints and claiming that the program is yet another step taking America down the road to socialism, citing provisions to award double points to EBT card and food stamp clients.

“The greedy Tea Party types want all of the perks for themselves. It is simply not fair that only the rich in this country get extra free stuff just for being rich and buying so much stuff with all of their wealth,” said Senator Chuck Schumer. “There are a hundred and forty-seven million American consumers who do not have comprehensive consumer rewards coverage on their purchases. We need to bring those people out of the shadows and into the mainstream retail economy.”

Security concerns have also been raised over having the government track every purchase of every citizen.

“I don’t know,” worried Harvard Law Professor and Constitutional Scholar Alan Derschowitz, a liberal. “There is just something creepy and unsettling about this whole government loyalty thing.”

Citing a confusing array of substandard loyalty plans with widely varying award amounts, often with exclusions on sale and clearance items, the Obama Administration is promising better plans, lower redemption levels and a more equitable distribution of points for all Americans.

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