Local Company Beef with Sir Richard Branson
PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION — A local company has filed suit against English entrepreneur and billionaire Sir Richard Branson.
According to papers filed yesterday with the Calabash County Clerk of Courts, RK Meat Packing is accusing the flamboyant businessman, best known as the founder of the Virgin Group of over four hundred companies, of industrial espionage, patent infringement and copyright violations.
“The bottom line is that limey scoundrel is a recipe rustler,” explained the plaintiff’s attorney, Steve Dallas. “He directed his minions to steal my client’s formulations for test tube beef.”
Branson recently announced the formation of Virgin Carnivore to provide laboratory-grown meat and meat by-products for consumers who refuse to eat anything with a face.
“We believe that the majority of vegetarians and vegans suffer their diet from philosophical and ethical underpinnings, rather than any rational medical necessity,” said Virgin Carnivore spokesman Sir Angus Flankstake. “And now through the miracles of modern science, they, too, can enjoy a delicious sirloin.”
The creation of test tube beef involves the growing, incubating and bulking up of stem cells harvested from bovine muscles. It is then combined with separately grown fat cells to create edible cuts of beef.
Virgin’s ‘ethical meat’ will also be kinder to the environment than the real thing, reduce animal suffering, eliminate feed lot odors and help feed the world’s burgeoning population, though the landscaping industry has decried the loss of cow dung for use as fertilizer.
Flankstake dismissed Dallas’s accusations as “blatantly absurd,” claiming that British university professors have long been at the forefront of artificial livestock production research.
“I might buy it, if they had invented test tube mutton,” countered Dallas. “But this is America and we invented cowboys — and real ones, too.”
RK Meat Packing of Pistol Creek Junction is one of the nation’s leading suppliers of hot dogs and beef products to public schools, universities, professional sports venues and convenience stores.
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