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Google: Don’t Blame Us

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MUDCAT FALLS — Local man Merlin Whitecap has filed a law suit against Google for damages due to mental anguish and emotional distress caused by his arrest and incarceration by the U.S. Secret Service and the Federal Bureau of Investigation for alleged threats and racist slurs against President Barack Obama appearing in his Gmail account. Whitecap claims that the behemoth Internet company’s so-called “Predictive Messaging Service” application completely changed the original text of his emails.

“Merlin was just forwarding YouTube kitten videos to his mother,” said Whitecap’s lawyer, Steve Dallas. “The next thing he knows there is MF130912 - Googlea federal SWAT team breaking down his door and he’s practically got one foot in Guantanamo.”

Google spokesman Les Feckle declined to comment on the pending litigation, but revealed that the Predictive Messaging Service ap is an outgrowth of a heretofore secret development program called Google Id.

“In psychiatric terms, it’s like breaking the sound barrier,” gushed Feckle. “We have developed the capability to map the sub-conscious, Freud’s famously dark and inaccessible part of our personality, not only to enhance an individual’s internet search experience, but his life, our society and the future of mankind.”

Using its mammoth tracking and proprietary analytics capabilities, Google is able to digitally frack into the human psyche to profile a person’s most basic and instinctual drives. Sigmund Freud described the id as that part of the mind which is the source of bodily needs, wants, desires, impulses and, particularly, sexual and aggressive drives.

“The potential to explore and exploit this new frontier will be very profitable in human as well as monetary terms,” said Feckle. “We know you better than you know yourself, so don’t blame us for your repressed Klan tendencies.”

Feckle explained that Google PMS grew out of the company’s “Don’t Be Evil” philosophy as a means to rid mankind of lies, prevarications and false promises for the betterment of the species, by always expressing a person’s true thoughts and feelings.

MF130912 - Whitecap“That’s right, Mr. Whitecap is an African-American, not an Imperial Wizard,” revealed Dallas at a press conference. “So, how’s that Google Id thing working out?”

Whitecap is asking for unspecified punitive damages and reimbursement for psychological counseling.

In a rare bi-partisan move, both Democrats and Republicans in Congress unanimously promised prompt hearings and fast track legislation to regulate involuntary and unfettered truth telling in cyberspace.

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