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First Lady’s First Pitch for Healthy Eating

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WASHINGTON DC — In lieu of a ceremonial Presidential first pitch, First Lady Michelle Obama was on hand to serve the first tofu dog at the Washington Nationals opening day, shifting her “Let’s Move” campaign against obesity from the school lunchroom to sports concession stands.

“We need to fundamentally change this country’s diet,” said the First Lady, as she served a slightly confused looking fan who was expecting a regular coney. “And, ironically enough, sports fans and their children are some of the nation’s most obese citizens and not only does their decreased productivity and life expectancy endanger long-term American economic prosperity, their diet-related diseases like asthma, diabetes, hypertension and certain cancers are slowly adding to the national health care burden. ”

Nationals Park, which is also the very first LEED-certified green major professional sports stadium in the United States, has banned all unhealthy and dangerous foods, including hot dogs, french fries, nachos, Cracker Jacks and, due to potential allergic reactions, peanuts, replacing them with heart healthy alternatives, such as carrots, apple fries, celery, cauliflower and tofu substitutes. Tortilla chips and salsa were hastily added after Latino players threatened to boycott the venue when the mystery cheese-like topping on stadium nachos was deemed a health hazard and possible carcinogen.

“No peanuts? No flippin’ Cracker Jacks? First they mess with our game, then they mess with our eats and next they’ll mess with our flippin’ song,” groused Nationals third base coach Spitball Norton. “Babe Ruth did it on hot dogs, for Christ’s  sake. This just ain’t the national pastime I grew up with.”

District of Columbia Representative Eleanor Holmes Norton joined the First Lady and vowed to have the House Un-American Sports Activity Committee, which she co-chairs, investigate excessive calorie consumption in professional sports, now that Congress has cleaned up the use of performance enhancing steroids in baseball.

In addition to menu changes, the stadium scoreboard featured not only batting averages and ERAs, but also the player’s height, weight and body mass index. A running total of the caloric intake of the 39,055 fans in attendance was also displayed during the game.

The Nationals lost to the Atlanta Braves 2-0. Concession stand sales plummeted 82% from opening day 2010.

A spokeswoman for the First Lady later noted that Mrs. Obama prefers Hank Aaron to Babe Ruth, because “Mr. Aaron did it with class, not questionable meat by-products.”

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