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EPA Celebrity CFL Campaign

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WASHINGTON DC — The Environmental Protection Agency is enlisting celebrity assistance to help the public make the transition from incandescent light bulbs to the new compact florescent lights as mandated by the Energy Independence and Security Act of 2007.

“Any time there is a change, citizens are wary and resistant,” said EPA CFL Czar Edison Skopfmueller, “And a familiar figure can often ease their anxieties and promote acceptance.”

Starting in 2012, government efficiency standards will dictate that all incandescent light bulbs between 40 and 100 watts be outlawed in America.

Former Starkist spokesfish, Charlie the Tuna, will be used to help quell rising fears over the mercury content of CFLs.

“There is much misinformation about CFLs being reckless spread by the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck,” said Skopfmueller. “It is important that citizens understand that mercury and mercury vapors are not necessarily harmful to themselves, their children and their pets, if they faithfully follow the EPA’s recommended one hundred and twelve step process for cleaning up the hazardous waste zone surrounding a CFL break.”

To protect the environment and standardize light bulb disposal and recycling requirements, the U.S. government enacted Federal Universal Waste Rule 40 CFR part 273. Charlie the Tuna will help explain those laws to consumers in a series of in print, broadcast and muppet public service announcements

Skopfmueller also notes that the private sector has not “stepped up to the plate” in promoting CFLs with their usual Madison Avenue enthusiasm and vigor, so the EPA will hire Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Ashley Greene to promote CFL usage to the public, especially the skeptical “white NASCAR dad” demographic.

“Those tried and true marketing and advertising techniques, proven so effective for foisting beer and automobile products on the public, need to be brought to bear on this vital public issue,” said Skopfmueller. “Sex sells, so sex should sell CFLs, too. The fate of the planet might just depend upon it.”

The EPA’s ads and public service announcements are slated to begin appearing later this year.

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