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Dyslexia Benefit Goes Awry

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MUDCAT FALLS — Fourteen people, including a Sheriff’s deputy responding to the initial 911 call, were hospitalized when a fund-raiser at the Riverside Charismatic Episcopal Church of the Sacred Sunrise ended in pandemonium.

The results of the reverse raffle, which was being held by the People for Curing Loved-Ones Afflicted with Dyslexia and Extreme Palindromania, were challenged when participants began to notice that the drawn ticket numbers were being called out incorrectly, improperly eliminating contestants. CLAPPED officials denied any cheating occurred.

“It appears to have been an honest mistake,” said Reverend Arnold Dieselspel after he was treated and released from Calabash Memorial Hospital. “The hearts of the DELPPAC folks were in the right place, but it just might not have been such a good idea to have one of the dyslexics actually drawing the raffle tickets.”

While most of the injuries were minor, Deputy Barney LaBonte was admitted to the MHC Intensive Care Unit in a severe sugar shock from the pie pummeling he endured when he first arrived on the scene.

“Apparently, the disgruntled raffleers successfully stormed the PLAPECD bake sale table and armed themselves with pies,” said Sheriff Atticus W. Moosejowl. “I ain’t seen nothing like it since ‘Nam. Or at least since the Bingo Riots during the summer of 1977.”

City Council Chairman Sorrell Needleman has vowed to conduct hearings and hold LECPAPD officials accountable.

“A brave public servant lies in a coma in the CUI,” noted Needleman. “We simply cannot continue to allow unregulated pastries to endanger the public.”

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